


As Long as You Live

by I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Rako Hardeen Operation, Attempted Death By Battledroids, Gen, Rejection, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, hopelessness, painful ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 18:29:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning/pseuds/I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning
Summary: The war has been slowly breaking Obi-Wan for years now. The things he's done, the things he's seen. He's lost the strength to fight for himself anymore.Anakin ends up with a realization that may help him save others down the line, but it's not a happy ending. It's very grim.





	As Long as You Live

**Author's Note:**

> This one is going to be intense and the beginning is from Obi-Wan's POV. His perspective has spiraled down, and is in a very narrowed place to where he believes he has no way out. He's stared his own pain too long in the face, and now isn't seeing the people who love him. (Ahsoka. Yoda. Satine. Bant.)
> 
> They're there. He just can't remember them through glare of pain.

 

Obi-Wan walked with the head of the column, each footstep a bell tolling in his heart.

He glanced back at Anakin, who'd found his place farther back in the line. Sensing Obi-Wan's attention, he looked up with a quiet glare.

No forgiveness there.

Obi-Wan directed his eyes to the path before them again, Anakin's words pounding relentlessly through his soul.

_As long as you live, as long as you live, as long as you live, as long as you live—_

The way the undercurrent sought to drown him reminded him of Zigoola and a different whisper:  _Die, Jedi, die._

But this one had even more pull.

Strange.

No Sith could take down Obi-Wan Kenobi. No slaver, no crime lord, no army, no calamity.

The only person in the end who could destroy him was the one he'd gifted his soul to.

The one walking behind him with resentment in his veins.

Only Anakin Skywalker could kill Obi-Wan Kenobi.

When they reached the droid offensive, Obi-Wan handed his saber to the clone beside him, not checking to see who it was. The man took it without question, having seen his General tap into the Force to move monsters and mountains to save his men.

No hands reached out to stay him as he stepped in front of them.

_As long as you live._

Another step.

_As long as you live._

The droids were staring at him, trying to figure out what he was doing—

“Obi-Wan?” Anakin's voice, somewhere behind him, wanting to know his plan.

_As long as you live._

The plan was simple.

Droid blasters came up.

Took them long enough.

Shouldn't have been this hard to figure out.

_As long as you live._

“Obi-Wan!”

Obi-Wan felt such  _pain_ in his heart, so terrible it had become  _physical—_

_Tear a hole through me. Cut away my torment._

If the heart had been torn from his body by a blaster bolt, it would cease to shred his soul.

_As long as you live._

There were footsteps behind him. A lightsaber's growl.

Obi-Wan held his arms out, offering up his body.

The droids fired.

Obi-Wan felt nothing at all.

He looked down, knowing he was out of time, if they'd missed all was lost—

He found crimson staining his tunics. Four places through his torso, another in his thigh, one in his wrist.

He collapsed backwards, since it seemed to be the thing to do.

It was supposed to hurt.

He was supposed to scream and weep and thrash and beg to live.

Why didn't it hurt?

Clone arms caught him, dragging him back behind the front lines as a Force signature assailed his own, trying desperately to break into Obi-Wan's mind.

Obi-Wan dropped his shields, clearly startling his brother.

Obi-Wan wasn't sure why Anakin expected a fight. Why would it matter if Anakin saw what was in his heart or not? It made no difference, in the end.

Fighting required caring.

Obi-Wan felt slightly jaded. Death was supposed to  _hurt,_ it was supposed to rekindle  _something,_ whether it be longing or anger or desperation—

But there was nothing.

Kix toiled over his body, a hopeless task.

And who knew what Anakin thought.

Obi-Wan's shields might be down, but he certainly wasn't listening to anything around him. Listening required effort.

He felt the last of his energy draining away, felt so tired now, his eyelids so heavy.

_As long as you live._

_Soon you will be free, Anakin._

_Soon._

 

* * *

 

“He just handed his saber to Boil and walked to meet them. Stretched out his arms and took it, the barrage—”

The Council stared at Anakin in bewilderment.

“Was he trying to redirect all of the fire so it wouldn't hit his men?” Windu asked, struggling to understand.

Anakin felt the terrible thing inside that had formed when he saw Obi-Wan out there, weaponless,  _indifferent,_ waiting for the droids to _—_

“No. He was trying to die.”

“I don't understand,” Depa said at last. “Why would he want that? Last I heard he was  _enjoying_ watching you train Ahsoka, wanted to see you knight her, wanted to watch the two of you work as equals— what happened?”

_I happened._

Shaak Ti passed a hand over her eyes. “Obi-Wan was never a warrior at heart.”

_Is not. Don't speak of him in past tense. Not when he hangs in a bacta tank and still breathes._

“Skywalker, you are closer to him than anyone, did he show  _any_ signs of this  _before_ ? What might have driven him to this?” Windu looked worried,  _sad,_ even—

“I wasn't looking for signs,” Anakin spoke, his voice dull. “I was too busy looking at myself.”

“Something made him lose sight of the well being of two battalions of men who watched their general try to commit suicide.” Shaak Ti lowered her hand. “Obi-Wan would not take such trauma lightly, nor would he inflict on them such a darkness and weight. How many of them might feel tempted to follow in his steps now? Obi-Wan would rather suffer immeasurable pain than harm the clones in that way.”

_He wasn't trying to die for himself._

“Clearly something made him lose sight of that,” Fisto murmured. “But what would have the power to do so? What could overshadow that?”

It was all Anakin could do to breathe.

“Knight Skywalker, do you think he will try again?” Windu asked.

Anakin tried to swallow, found his throat burned. “The Mind Healers will be better suited to answer that question.”

“What did you sense from him?”

“Nothing,” Anakin whispered. “He was empty. So  _empty._ ” He closed his eyes against the burning, found tears falling from his lashes. “Like he had nothing left.”

“Why did he not turn to you for assistance before it reached this point?”

_He did. Oh, Force, he did, and I cast him aside. I was angry, I didn't care, I told him—_

_Sweet Force, why didn't I hold my tongue?_

A lie meant to wound, meant to punish, meant to make him suffer for what he'd done to Anakin—

_I never meant to kill him. Dear Force, I never meant to kill him._

_I didn't realize he needed me so badly._

And yet the signs had been there. The misery-filled eyes, sleepless nights, haggard gauntness. The desperation in his voice when he begged for forgiveness, for Anakin to let him stay, to—

_It doesn't matter what I said,_ Anakin realized.  _What matters is he used the last of his strength to reach out to me, and I turned him away._

_I turned him away._

 

**Author's Note:**

> And as of tomorrow, I will have been on Ao3 for a year. In celebration, I hope to post a fluff, if nothing disastrous happens between here and there.
> 
> If you need a fluff before that, please go to your favorite one and reread it for mental and emotional cuddles. You taking care of yourselves is important to me. <3


End file.
